Desk Chair Gnomes
September 27, 2008
I have a bit of a confession to make. About 3 weeks ago, I wrote about how I believed my co-worker had swapped chairs with me, giving me the awful, grinding, squeaky, Hell-chair that she previously owned and taking my nice, quiet, smooth-gliding Heaven-chair for herself.
However, when I walked into work yesterday and sat down in my previously silent chair, I was greeted by that horrific squawking noise I spoke of before. Either someone has switched my chair once again, or these office chairs are not as they seem. My theory is that it is the latter. When I switched out my squeaky chair, I switched it with Miss Matches, who is only here in the office two days a week, not even for a full day. According to my calculations, that leaves the office chairs as follows (observed yesterday morning):
Miss Matches: squeaky chair
Co-Worker #1: silent chair (that used to be mine, I’m sure of it)
Male Co-Worker: squeaky chair
Other Female Co-Worker: squeaky chair
Me: squeaky chair (once again!)
This leaves me with only one possible explanation as to how my silent chair has, once again, wound up squawking.
DESK CHAIR GNOMES.
A distant relative of Dryer-Sock-Gnomes and Underwear Gnomes, Desk Chair Gnomes steal the silence and replace it with squeak. They come in in the dead of night, armed with paper towels and citrus juice. They inject the juice into the joints of the chair, where it dries all sticky-like. Eventually, the acid in the juice eats away at the metal and plastic joints of the chair, creating the assaulting noise I am subjected to every time I turn my chair to the left or right.
If anyone has a better theory, I’d like to hear it - I don’t think there is one.
…in the meantime, I guess I better quit being lazy, and just bring my WD-40 to work already.
I suspected three weeks ago that Desk Chair Gnomes were responsible. I didn’t want to say anything for fear you’d think I was crazy. Not everyone is open-minded enough to accept the existence of gnomes. I once tried explaining it to an ex and she took out a restraining order. Stupid judge had it in for me…
Kev :: I definitely don’t think you’re crazy. Especially not now. Especially not now that I believe that Desk Chair Gnomes are responsible for all my office problems. Whichever ex took out the restraining order was obviously naive. I am building a No Gnomes Allowed bunker underneath my house for when the invasion comes full circle. You’re welcome to join me.
I can’t believe it never occurred to me to build a No Gnomes Allowed Bunker. That’s brilliant. Yes, I’ll happily join you. Thank you.
I’ll bring Coke Zero with me since we both like it. Oh, and staplers. Gnomes seem to dislike staplers, which is why I have two in my office.
Kev :: Apparently they dislike highlighters too, because I have five. I’ll bring those, too. Oh, and rubber bands, because I have about 5 bajillion of those. We’ll be set on office supplies for life.
Definitely the Coke Zero. We can live off that, right?
It might not get to that point, but you should probably prepare yourself for the possibility of the gnomes wiping out all other humans while we’re safe and protected in the shelter. We might have to get married and repopulate the earth.
Kev :: Well, crap. I was really trying not to think of that possibility, but….it would be the right thing to do.
Let’s pray it doesn’t come to that. However, if the fate of mankind depends on it, I am willing to take one for the team. I’m awesome like that.
Kev :: I will join you in praying it
doesdoesn’t come to that.LOL, definitely bring the WD-40. And don’t say anything to piss off the gnomes.
Marvin :: I know, I’m trying to keep the gnomes happy, but I’m not quite sure how…should I leave them cookies, like Santa Claus?
Not cookies, cake. I’ve heard they like cake better.
Erin :: I am so glad you told me this before I brought those cookies I baked to work. I wouldn’t want to anger them any more than I already have! Cake, eh…perhaps they’d like a triple-layer chocolate cake with raspberry filling and white chocolate frosting? Too much?
If you bring them a cake like that, they will not only replace your chair with a top of the line ergonomic chair, they will also fix the squeaks on everyone else’s chairs just so you won’t be bothered.
Erin :: SWEET! I mean, literally and figuratively. Sounds like I better get to baking!
Oh, I believe in the Gnomes. They’re cousins of the ones who steal all the biros, and put empty packets back into the larder.
You could try leaving them a gift of a nice big can of WD40, but I think they might prefer a miniature desk chair. I’d get one and leave it on your desk, with a sign on it saying ‘For the Gnomes’.
If nothing else it will make everyone else in the office rather wary of you, so they should stop messing with your stuff. LOL!
Jay :: You’ll have to explain to this poor naive American what a “biro” is and what a “larder” is! (Actually as soon as I respond to your comment, I’ll be Googling…!)
The miniature desk chair idea is a good one, actually - and like you said, if all it does is serve to scare off my co-workers from messing with my office stuff, even better! Haha!