Rachael Ray is Everywhere (or, Hide Your Children, She Might Cook Them Too)
August 25, 2008
You think I’m kidding. Check it out.
Television
Weekdays
1:00pm: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
6:00pm: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
6:30pm: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Weekends
Saturday, 8:30am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Saturday, 11:30am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Sunday, 7:00am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Sunday, 11:30am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Sunday, 2:00pm: Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels
Not to mention her oh-so-aptly titled talk show…Rachael Ray.
Magazine Stands
For the sake of keeping this blog PG and under, I won’t go into discussing the photo shoot she did for a certain men’s magazine (no, not Playboy), and I certainly won’t be sharing pictures. Suffice it to say, when I discovered the story/photos online, my hand flew to cover my open mouth. Thankfully, she wasn’t entirely unclothed, or I think I would have gone blind. The things you discover while researching celebrities online…
No, the one I was referring to is her magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray.
That’s just a small sampling…don’t forget Yum-O! The Family Cookbook, Rachael Ray’s Open House Cookbook, Classic 30-Minute Meals, The All-Occasion Cookbook, Rachael Ray’s Express Lane Meals, Rachael Ray 365: No Repeats, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Get-Real Meals, **deep breath** Get Togethers: Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals 2, Cooking ‘Round the Clock, Rachael Ray: Best Eats in Town on $40 a Day, Veggie Meals: Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, Guy Food: Rachael Ray’s Top 30 Minute Meals, and Cooking Rocks! 30 Minute Meals for Kids.
That’s just too many cookbooks for one person. Especially since half of them have “30 Minute Meals” in the title. Seriously? We get it. Your food takes 30 minutes (except it doesn’t, because you don’t allow for ANY preparation time whatsoever, and assume we all buy things like pre-shredded cheese and pre-chopped arugula).
Product Endorsements
Dunkin Donuts
Nutrish Pet Food (Seriously? Nutrish??)
Nabisco
Cookware
So, there’s all of the above, not to mention the “Rachael Ray-Speak” that has begun to infiltrate kitchens everywhere.
Delish: Delicious (Or, I’m too lazy to say the whole word.)
EVOO: Extra-Virgin Olive Oil (Or, I like to make people who have never seen my show wonder what the heck I’m talking about.)
Yum-O: Yummy (Because I like to talk like a five year old.)
Good to go: It’s ready (I think, but I’m not really sure. See “Your Nose Will Know”.)
Two turns of the pan: About 2 tablespoons of “EVOO”. (But, once again, too lazy to measure!)
GB: Garbage bowl (”Garbage bowl” is just so wordy, y’know?)
Your nose will know: It’s done! (I hope. Otherwise ya’ll are getting E-Coli!)
Eyeball it: One tablespoon is about a palm-full (Or, I’m too lazy to use a measuring spoon/cup)
How good is THAT?: I made it, it must be good. (Heeeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!)
Other things to take note of:
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She has googly eyes. Seriously, watch her sometime. Those eyes could make a grown adult shrink back in fear.
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She laughs after EVERYTHING. “Look, a stem of fresh rosemary!! HEEHEE!!!! It’s FRESH! HEEHEE!!!!!!! How cool is THAT!!!!????? HEEHEEHEEHEEE!”
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She abbreviates EVERYTHING. See the above “Rachael Ray-Speak” for a few examples…but there are others. SO many others…for example. Hot dog = “dog”. Meatball = “ball”. Sandwich = “sammy”
It’s time for a new Food Network-elebrity. PLEASE!
Rachel Ray terrifies me. Seriously. I have nightmares about her. I hear her scratchy smokereseque voice ringing through my ears like nails on an outdoor grillmaster and I shoot up in my bed in a cold sweat yelling “Don’t sautee me!”
this entry is enough to give me the goosebumps
She’s 40 today, I think. Bahahahahahaha!
I find the notion that Rachel Ray did a photo shoot for a men’s magazine deeply, deeply disturbing. Thank you for not sharing any photos. My eyes don’t like it when they bleed.
And yep, Rachel Ray turned 40 today. That’s surprising, actually, because she has the smoker’s voice of a much, much, much older woman.
Rachael Ray drives me CRAZY! I can’t stand anything about her (although I’ve caught myself actually saying “EVOO”). I don’t like Paula Deen, either.
I’ve never seen Rachel Ray but if the opportunity arises I will keep this post in mind.
SarahKate :: That’s an AWFUL dream. I hope I never, ever have a dream like that. I’d have to start drinking triple shots of espresso 24/7 to keep myself from sleeping. Ever.
Marvin :: She does NOT act 40…also, off topic, are you aware that your “leave a comment” function on your blog is not working? You probably do…but…
Kev :: I know, tell me about it. I didn’t post any photos, I would have felt bad either 1) making eyes bleed, 2) making people go blind, or 3) making people project vomit onto their keyboards, rendering them useless (and smelly).
Allison :: You must stop saying EVOO at once. That phrase will eventually rot your teeth and disintigrate your tongue, didn’t you know that?? And Paula Deen’s accent drives me CRAZY, and I hate that she flirts with all the guys that come on her show, whether they’re 15 or 75…*shudder*
Erin :: Trust me…you’re better off. Keep your remote handy while watching the Food Network, should you ever watch it, and close your eyes when you walk down the cracker/cookie aisle at the grocery store…she’s everywhere!!!
LOLOLOLOLOL! What a hysterical post, Angi. Did you know that, letters rearranged, her name spells “la achy rear” … ? Hmmmm? RR drives me UP THE WALL. I simply cannot listen to or watch her. And I think you have amply proven the point that we long ago reached Rachael Saturation Level (RSL). She’ll be in landfills for 1,500 years.
Jenny :: I just REALLY hope she doesn’t end up on t.v. for the NEXT 40 years, a’la Julia Child…because I actually liked her. Plus, she was a spy, and not annoying. Sure, her voice sounded like she needed to clear her throat, but whatevs.
Have you ever been to the Rachael Ray Sux Community? (Google it!) It’s pretty mean but I think it’s HILARIOUS. Just like this post!
Corrina :: Haha…I haven’t. I’ll have to check it out…