I Blame It On the Matches
August 18, 2008
Most of you know of the ongoing saga that is Co-Worker #2. Lately, especially at work, my throat has been raw. My nose burns. My lymph nodes in my neck are swollen. My head throbs. My stomach is nauseated. I attribute all of these symptoms to the fact that every Monday and Thursday, from approximately 9:00 a.m. until about 3 p.m., I am subjected to breathing sulfur-ridden oxygen…if you can still call it “oxygen”, considering the constant flame at the other end of the office burns away all of the O2 in the air, including, I’m convinced, all the fresh air in my cubicle. Amidst these physical ailments, however, I have decided that the majority of the complaints/problems I have at work can also be blamed on Miss Matches.
Follow me here.
Earlier today, I was discussing with a friend how I, once again, had writer’s block and needed to update this thing (while most people don’t consider a weekend-length span of time very long at all, I’m the kind of person that would write every day if I could). I made the off-hand comment that my writers block was probably due to the thick sulfur clogging my brain. It then occurred to me - if I could blame my writer’s block on the matches, what else could I blame on them??
If my throat wasn’t so raw from breathing campfire-scented air all day long, I wouldn’t have finished my Coke Zero LONG before lunchtime, and I would have had more to drink the rest of the day.
If I hadn’t finished my soda so soon, I would have been able to stretch out the caffeine fix long enough to ward off most of the headache that results from the sulfur smell.
If I weren’t feeling so crappy from breathing smoke all day, twice a week, I probably wouldn’t be so tired all the time, and I probably wouldn’t have overslept this morning, and I probably wouldn’t have been 15 minutes late to work.
If I wasn’t subjected to breathing non-air all day long today, I wouldn’t feel so sluggish and sick, and I would have hurried a little faster to get out of work at 4:00. I would have beat a little more traffic, and it wouldn’t have taken me quite as long to get home.
If the sulfur-ridden air didn’t make me feel so nauseated all day, I would actually eat a healthy lunch (as opposed to no lunch), and I would probably have the energy to work out. For real.
If I didn’t dread going down to Miss Matches’ end of the office so badly (which happens to be where ALL the filing cabinets I need reside), I wouldn’t dawdle and put off walking down there, and I would get my work done a little faster, in turn being more productive. (Did I mention I literally hold my breath whenever I have to walk down there?? I’m sure I’m killing brain cells, but it’s either that or breathe smoke, which I KNOW kills brain cells!)
You get my point.
On the bright side, if I didn’t have Miss Matches, I wouldn’t have this to blog about. But…I have to say, I would limit my writing to once a week if it meant not having a raging headache and sore throat every day at work. Because let me tell you, that smell LINGERS!
Ironically, when I suggested to my boss that perhaps we buy Miss Matches a nice, vanilla scented candle, or a Glade Wisp, she informed me she “does not want a constant smell around the office all day long.”
I beg your pardon, and correct me if I’m wrong…but doesn’t an aerosol air freshener (sprayed every 4 minutes) or a constant stream of lit matches constitute a constant smell!?
Excuse me, I need to heed the advice given to me and go buy a jumbo bag of marshmallows to set on my desk. Just sayin’.
*coughcoughcough*
I think you’re onto something here. I think, in a roundabout way, we can blame all of society’s problems on Miss Matches. The possibility of Obama being our next President? Her fault. The fact Americans are riddled with consumer debt? Her fault. Those annoying Old Navy commercials? Yep, her fault.
Also, this comment of mine would be a lot funnier if it weren’t for Miss Matches. I blame her.
Is that even healthy to be breathing in SULFER all day? That is, in fact, what’s getting released into the air every time she lights a match. I’m not sure if it’s toxic at those levels, but it’s worth considering. Perhaps you should mention that to your boss. Too bad there’s not a way she (or you) could perform your jobs at home.
At least you are nice enough to give her a cute nickname instead of something mean. It’s a real demonstration of your good character.
Frankly, I’m surprised management decided lighting matches all day is better than a candle. Both have flames, but matches stink (no pun intended…actually, it was intended) of a pyromaniac. Miss Matches just likes to watch the matches burn. Next, it will be her files and then one day, “Oops! I didn’t mean to drop the match into the trash can full of lighter fluid and paper! It was an accident!” I’d keep an eye on her.
I’m surprised your boss is relatively unsupportive. The only good thing is that you’re relatively far away from her. Can you set up a fan and blow the air backward, away from you? Hmmm. I wonder what else can be done.
Kev :: I know, right?! Paris Hilton? I blame her on the matches. The Mummy 3? All the matches. The cut I gave myself today with my scissors, trying to clip a flea collar shorter for one of my cats? TOTALLY the matches.
Corrina :: I highly doubt it. Whether it’s toxic or not, I could pull that card I suppose! I WISH I could work from home…do you know how much I could save in gas money!? We’ve mentioned it, though…we already have one part-time employee who works from home, and my bosses have made it very clear - NOBODY ELSE. Boo.
Erin :: Seriously. Accident, my left foot. I should set up a surveillance camera, catch her in the act…or, maybe I should actually try and hack up a lung one of these days, throw my back out, and claim worker’s comp. Hmmmmmm…………
Marvin :: I know, it’s kind of strange. “I don’t want any consistent smells in the office…” She’s kinda crazy. Both of my bosses are actually really cool, but I’m not quite sure why smelling sulfur all day long doesn’t seem to bother anyone but me. Maybe I should start wearing a painter’s mask to work. Think they’d get the hint??