Cosmo Magazine Has Warped My Fragile Little Mind
August 3, 2008
Hi, everyone. It’s Kev. Yes, that Kev. Now, now…calm down. I’m glad to see all of you, too.
After Angi submitted a guest blog to SKOS, she gave me an open invitation to write something for her site whenever I wanted. Since spreading the funny around the world is my life’s ambition, I gladly accepted the offer.
Of course, there was a problem. I’m a guy. Angi is a girl. We Sleep for Dreaming is a girl’s blog. I don’t know how to write for a girl’s blog. I haven’t a clue.
Do I talk about boy bands? PMS? Hugh Jackman movies? Guys who tell you they will call, but then never do? Shoe shopping?
I didn’t know where to even begin.
To help give me insight into the minds of women, I decided to buy some girly magazines. Now, when I say “buy” what I really mean is I borrowed some from my gym. And when I say “borrowed” what I really mean is I stole them and will soon be selling them on eBay. But I digress.
As luck would have it, the first magazine I looked at had the adorable Kristen Bell on the cover. It was a Cosmo magazine.
“Cosmo,” I thought to myself. “It sounds so sophisticated.”
Two minutes later, my eyes began to bleed. What I found within those pages shook me to my very core.
What the heck is wrong with you women?!?
Look, I’m not naive. I haven’t been sheltered my entire life. I’ve listened to Avril Lavigne on the radio and watched parts of The Notebook on DVD. I know how to get crazy. But nothing — NOTHING — could have prepared me for the mental and visual assault Cosmo launched against my unsuspecting male brain.
Cosmo took the small, innocent boy within me outside behind the barn and shot him dead.
I haven’t seen such salty language since I watched a Bob Saget comedy special on HBO back in the day. I expected to see Danny Tanner from Full House talk about cleaning supplies and that precocious Michelle, and instead what I saw was a crude man in his 40s who didn’t talk about cleaning supplies even once.
As difficult as it is to believe, Cosmo rivals Saget in the wirty dord department.
Of course, if salty language was the only problem with Cosmo, my innocence might not have been permanently destroyed. But the term “TMI” (aka “Too Much Information”) was invented for things like Cosmo. Why is “Jeff, 27, Chicago” telling the world what he and his girlfriend like to do behind closed doors to provoke God’s wrath? I like a good God’s wrath story as much as the next guy, but this is ridiculous.
Girly magazines should talk about flowers. They should talk about kittens and puppies. They should talk about candles, phones, Jenny Craig and Hugh Jackman movies. The fact they don’t talk about those things has shattered my innocence.
I think I’m going to cry.
On behalf of all women who read that crappy magazine, I apologize for your shattered innocence. You should have asked me before you decided to brush up on a “girly magazine”. I could have at least pointed you toward one with flowers…maybe not puppies so much.
Cosmo, Elle, Us, and other effluvium of that ilk are designed to distract women, to make them focus on the trivial, to keep them otherwise occupied. Because if they are allowed to focus, and to apply their intellect, they could become truly dangerous.
I like Cosmo! It gives me ideas. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Seriously? Yeah, I read it now and then, but I don’t read any women’s magazines much. See, there’s nothing much out there worth reading, and the one thing about Cosmo is that at least it isn’t yet another ultra-shallow ’short attention span’ waste of paper.
I have to say though, I’m talking about UK Cosmo. If I remember rightly, the US one is a bit different.
@angi: I wish I’d asked you beforehand. Oh how I wish I’d asked you. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure it’s situations like this one that drive men to drink. They want to forget the horror.
@Marvin: Ah, I think I see what you mean. Distract the enemy so they cannot overthrow us. It’s genius.
@Jay: I didn’t know there was a UK Cosmo. I hope, for the sanity of UK’s citizens, it IS different than the US’s Cosmo!
I don’t like Cosmo. Trashy fashion magazines definitely have a hierarchy and Cosmo takes the cake on trashiness. And dirtiness. It’s all TMI. Kev should definitely have consulted Angi.
Kev :: Maybe now you have learned your lesson. I have compiled a list of magazines suitable for your eyes. They include: Men’s Health, Cooking Light, WORLD, Sports Illustrated, and if you really truly want flowers, Sunset or Better Homes and Gardens. Anything outside of that must be approved prior to reading.
Marvin :: So….since I NEVER read Cosmo or anything remotely related…does that mean I get to take over the world???
Jay :: Does the UK Cosmo include information and terminology that, when put into television context, you could only find on Pay-Per-View?
Erin :: Your aforementioned hierarchy is most definitely correct. Cosmo = epitome of trash!
Angi stumbled upon my blog so I stumbled right back on hers!
I think most women agree that whats in Cosmo is crap, but I have to say in my early years I learned a lot of “taboo” things that I wouldn’t have learned other wise…that is until I started watching Sex and the City…
Sarahkate :: Glad you returned the visit!! Hope you’ll be back!
Haha…I can’t stand Sex and the City, either, I may be one of about…oh…3 girls I know who don’t care for it…!
Sounds like you done got schooled, homie. Word to your mother. Those who is any kind of decent don’t read them filthy ragzines … they read excellent blogs like Special Kind of Stupid and We Sleep For Dreaming … and I’m Having A Thought Here.
Cosmo rocks. I just wish it weren’t comprised of 99% ads. That’s very annoying. But I love those confessions!! But I’m a bad girl and you already know that. So does Angi. Thanks for still reading my blog.
May this line live forever in the hallowed halls of The Wayback Machine.
@Erin: See, that information definitely would have come in handy last week. My eyes are still bleeding.
@Angi: Sports Illustrated is right up my alley, and I’m assuming Cooking Light is as well. They have Chinese food recipes in there, right?
@Sarahkate: I’ve never watched Sex and the City. If it’s the Cosmo of TV, I think I shall pass. My fragile mind will thank me!
@Jenny: Here, here. The world would be a better place if everyone read those three blogs. Okay, maybe not better, but it’d be much, much funnier and cleaner!
@Corrina: Haha. You’re welcome.
@Steve: Call me biased, but I second that motion!
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