An Open Letter to My Two Co-Workers
August 11, 2008
Dear Co-Worker #1:
I understand that you have a problem with snacking all day long. I understand that you probably have, more or less, some sort of weird oral fixation. I understand that our job is boring, and mundane, and repetitive, and it is almost necessary to have something to do whilst making phone calls and billing medical charges - personally, I twirl my pen.
But for the love of everything holy, do you HAVE to rely on sunflower seeds to quell your boredom?!
It would be one thing if you could manage to keep your mouth shut whilst cracking the shells open with your teeth - but you don’t. You keep your mouth open - wide open. All I hear, all day long, is “CRAAAAAAAAAACK…spit. CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK…spit.” Do you have any idea how annoying that is? People chewing with their mouths open is one of my pet peeves, anyway - but this is over the top. I thought people snapping and popping their gum was bad - but your incessant “cracking” and spitting is getting ridiculous.
Do you realize how close I am to tossing my stapler over the cubicle divider? Barring a miracle on your behalf, it will land on your head. And believe me, if I miss, I have about 30 more objects that I can chuck over the wall. I played softball, and trust me, I can toss a pop-up with the best of them.
It was also suggested to me that I go outside, grab a handful of small, sunflower-seed-colored pebbles, and secretly dump them into your cup of seeds. Do you have any idea how tempting that is?
I already have enough headaches, without needing your cracking and spitting 3 feet from my right ear.
So please…..either keep your mouth shut, or find something softer to eat. Dried fruit or something would be good.
Dear Co-Worker #2:
Let me preface this letter by stating that I do understand that your situation is a delicate one. I do understand that approximately two months ago, you had the sort of surgery that left you in a state of increased involuntary flatulence. I do believe that that has probably got to be one of the most frustrating things in the world.
But two weeks ago, you started spraying an aerosol air freshener in your cubicle approximately every 4.7 minutes - no exaggeration. I timed it one day. Unfortunately for all of us here, your scent of choice was a combination of roses, lilacs, and natural gas (no pun intended).
Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one that was unwillingly subjected to a raging headache by 10am every day, when the smell of your air freshener started permeating the office air in its entirety. Thankfully, my employers took notice and, on a day when you were not here, asked us all for advice regarding how to broach the subject. Thankfully, when they brought up the topic with you, you were congenial and amused and joked around and asked for advice on how else to cover up the problem (although we all think it’s mostly in your head, because never once have we smelled anything offensive - other than your air freshener, that is).
However, the solution you all agreed upon, in my opinion, is no better than the Oust…did you decide upon a nice, french vanilla scented candle? No. Did you agree on a beautiful basket of cinnamon-scented potpourri to set upon your desk? No. Did you run out to the store to purchase a Glade wickless candle, preferrably in a scent other than Fresh Linen (gross)? No.
No, what you-all thought would be the best route has ended up being just as bad, if not worse, than a permanent cloud of aerosol mist.
Me: Uh, does anyone smell that? Did someone set the building on fire?? Ohmygoshholycrap this isn’t a drill, is it!?
Co-Worker #1: No…that’s Co-Worker #2. They decided lighting a match would be the best route toward covering up her imagined smells.
Me: Shoot me. Now.
So, you guessed it…now, it smells like someone has a wood fire burning all. day. long.
Like I said, I understand your situation is delicate, and embarrassing…but seriously…I have had a headache for 5 days now. Can I have one day without some awful smell assaulting my nose!?
I feel better.
By chance, does Co-Worker #1 think she is a baseball player? Only baseball players smack on sunflower seeds all day long. Maybe she went to see a hypnotist, and he did this to her? It’s like that movie “Shallow Hal,” but different. Anyway, you need to find the word that will break her from the hypnotic state. Just start yelling random things at her. Eventually, in time, you’ll hit on the right one!
Regarding Co-Worker #2, I think your bosses should come up with a fake promotion for her. Give her her own office. It can be a janitorial closet for all you care, just as long as it has four walls and a door. Definitely bring up this idea to your bosses.
You can thank me later.
Kev :: Great ideas, all.
Regarding Co-Worker #1…I don’t think she’s a baseball player (she loves golf), but I’m about to go all baseball player on HER and start perfecting my fast pitch - starting with my stapler. Perhaps yelling random things at her is a good idea, whether or not she’s been hypnotized - maybe it’ll scare her into stopping. “CAT!”…”BIRTHDAY CAKE!”…”SHOTGUN!!”
Regarding Co-Worker #2, that’s not a bad idea, either. In fact, I can smell another match right this minute - and your idea is sounding better and better with every inhale. I’m about to start having to breathe through my mouth………
God,
Thank you for my wonderful co-workers who are not annoying and strange. Amen.
Erin :: Haha…yes, I suppose I could consider this my contribution toward helping others count their blessings.
Regarding Co-Worker #2: You should bring marshmallows to work one day. A big bag of them. Just set them on your desk. You would be saying a lot without even saying a word.
Kev :: Not a bad idea, perhaps if I set a couple Hershey’s bars and a box of graham crackers next to the marshmallows it would be even better? A GIANT box of graham crackers. To really make my point.
That is an excellent idea. Although, yep, now you’ve made me hungry for Graham Crackers. I haven’t had any in practically forever.
Kev :: Me neither…they’re not really something I buy very often though. Have you ever put peanut butter on them??
Yep. Well, you know how I much I love peanut butter. I’ve blogged about it several times, in fact. Peanut butter might just be God’s greatest invention!
Kev :: Yep, that’s why I asked. Peanut butter on chocolate graham crackers are the best. Too bad I can’t justify a trip to the grocery store just for those!
Now this is kind of weird. I was reading this post RIGHT when my e-mail dinged, and there was your comment on my post.
Weird.
Anyhoo, this was hilarious. I’m so glad I work at home. My involuntary (but often voluntary) flatulence need never be covered up with hideous wood-burning fake scent. Unless it’s about time for my husband to come home, and the house still stinks.
JD :: Haha, great minds must think alike - you read mine, I read yours!
I would loooooooove to work at home…my house smells like vanilla and cinnamon, and neither of those give me headaches! So do you switch on a bunch of fans and light a bunch of candles before The Husband comes home?
ROFL! That was very, very funny and makes me SO glad I don’t have to go out to work anymore!
Co-worker No. 1 - just buy her a ginormous bag of pre-hulled sunflower seeds. Repeat as necessary.
Co-worker No. 2 - can’t you just tell her that she doesn’t need to do anything? Other than that, bring a really, really sensitive, portable, smoke alarm in and hide it on her desk. She has a sense of humour, right?
You’ve been almost tagged, by the way. Go see!
Start doing something equally offensive, do a nasty hacking cough ever 2.5 minutes.
Jay :: Hahaha…good ideas. Unfortunately, with Co-Worker #1, the reason she does it is BECAUSE they’re shelled and they keep her occupied without actually eating very much. SO. ANNOYING.
GREAT idea for Co-Worker #2…I would die laughing. I *might* feel bad…
And I am “going to see” now!!!
Sarahkate :: OOohhhh great idea. Or sniff really loudly…or blow my nose as loud as possible…or tap my pen incessantly..the list is endless!!!!
Wow. I’m SO never complaining about my co-workers again. You poor thing!