Why I Could Never Be Friends With Kristen Bell
July 21, 2008
There are obvious reasons why there are certain celebrities I could never be friends with. Lindsay Lohan? Would probably try to make me do crack while insisting she doesn’t party, like totally, for reals. Paris Hilton? Would try to make me dumber (that’s hot) while insisting jail was an “enlightening experience”. Britney Spears? Would probably kill me in a car accident while dumping a venti Mocha Frappucino down my throat and swearing to goodness her hair is real.
However, there is the occasional celebrity out there that, to the naked eye, seems squeaky clean, cute, funny, and just plain great. But I know better. Oooh boy do I know better. Therefore, I have chosen a celebrity who would seem to meet all of the aforementioned qualifications, yet I know for a fact we could never be friends - Kristen Bell.
1.) If she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Jane Goodall.
I do not like chimps. They stink. They throw poop. They are unpredictable. WHY would you want to go chill with them in the wild, exactly?
2.) Her self-proclaimed worst habit is swearing.
According to her, she “swears like a sailor”. I do not swear like anything. Every time she cursed in my presence, I would want to force feed her liquid Dawn, and make her swish with it like mouthwash. I don’t think she would enjoy that very much, and she might even get mad at me.
3.) She loves dogs, and owns three.
I. Hate. Dogs. They smell bad. They shed. They drool. They lick. They bark. Their poop gets on your shoes. They have bad breath. They require regular baths. They are co-dependent. “But they’re KRISTEN BELL’S dogs!” you might say. I don’t care. They are canines - that’s enough for me.
4.) In 2006, she appeared in a television commercial for Old Navy.
Purely and simply, she’s crazy. That’s all. Old Navy commercials are pure evil, wrapped in a nice bubblegum-and-sunshine package. I have worn their clothes before. They don’t make me smile and giggle and dance everywhere I go. They are liars.
5.) She was a character in the 2007 video game Assassin’s Creed.
I cannot stand video games. They are a complete waste of time, they dull your brain and make you lazy. By doing a voice for a video game, she has contributed to the madness. Thanks, Kristen, 15 more men boys just ran out and bought Assassin’s Creed because you are in it.
6.) She self-admittedly tears up when someone squishes a bug in front of her.
She would be crying 24/7 if she was around me. Bugs were made to be squished. If I see a bug, I squish it. If it’s in my home, I torture it first, to teach it a lesson.
7.) Her favorite sport in the world is hockey - and she would choose it over Brad Pitt.
Choosing a sport over Brad Pitt is fine. Choosing hockey? Real girls love baseball. Enough said.
And there, in a nutshell, is why I could never be friends with Kristen Bell.
See, I’m torn…
As everyone knows, I’ve had a thing in the past for Kristen Bell. I even blogged about her once. But…I can’t disagree with anything you wrote!
She’d want to live with chimps? Chimps eat bananas all day. I couldn’t do that.
She swears like a sailor? I prefer girls who won’t accidentally say $!@% in front of my mom when I introduce them.
Dogs are high maintenance and dirty. No thanks.
Old Navy commercials are pure, concentrated evil.
I could live with her being IN a video game so long as she didn’t like to PLAY video games all day and all night.
She sheds a tear over a squished cockroach? Seriously??
In my book, hockey ranks behind baseball, football and numerous other sports that include alligator wrestling and underwater basket weaving.
*tear*
So sad…
Kev :: Yes, well…sorry to dash your dreams. I hope that bubble I just burst wasn’t too huge. I’ll mail you some tissues if you’d like to shed a few tears…
Yes, do mail me some tissues. Even when the tears inevitably stop flowing, I’ll be able to use them when my allergies act up.
LOL! That’s funny. I have never seen her, I don’t think. You have interesting reasons for disliking her. I dislike most people on general principle, mainly because THEY’RE BREATHING MY AIR.
But I don’t put much energy into disliking them.
Some people are special, and very likable. Like you. I’m glad I found you! Or did you find me? I forget.
I’m popping open a pack of Eclipse Spearmint in your honor.
Have a wonderful day!
Kev :: I will get right on that. I’ll even spring for the ones with lotion!
Marvin :: I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen her in anything, either…I might have caught an episode of “Veronica Mars” at some point in my life, but I can’t really remember.
Thanks!! I don’t know who found who…I know I clicked on your link through Corrina, but I don’t remember who left the first comment.
Feel free to swallow a piece of that gum in my honor.
You know, on second thought, I bet I could fix Kristen Bell. You know…get her to embrace cats in lieu of dogs, get her to stop swearing, get her to give up hockey in favor of baseball, etc.
I’m just not sure it’s worth all the hassle, though. I’d prefer not to date a girl who is a project.
Kev :: You know what I always say. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed! And it’s best to not even try. I have a feeling she likes cursing, and she’s probably allergic to cats.
Also I bet she DOES play video games 24/7. That’s a project in and of itself…..
I’m with you. Find one who’s not a fixer upper.
Whew. Your post was just in time! I just starting to think I would want to be friends with Kristen Bell but then I read your post so now I am saved.
Yeah, I don’t like swearing. Only God can D-word people.
Hockey’s not that bad, is it? Although, I would choose Brad Pitt over hockey…but absolutely not over soccer, of which I am currently in withdrawal and trying trying trying not to blog about. I’m hanging on by a thread.
Erin :: I am glad I could do my part to save you from the madness that would be befriending KB!
I’m with you on the swearing. Personally, I find it makes people sound unintelligent…not that I would ban someone from being my friend if they curse, but…just something I choose not to do.
Well, if we’re comparing hockey to soccer……..don’t hate me…..but I can’t STAND soccer. I’d choose hockey (but not Brad Pitt) over soccer any day…….*cringe*
Oh Em Gee Angi - You’re SO gonna hate me!!
1) Ok, I’m not into living with apes either, You win. lol
2) I am fully prepared for you to shove liquid Dawn down my throat for swearing. (How do you read my blog?! LOL)
3) I LOVE dogs! I have rescued so many! I currently have 2 rescues. But they are clean and well behaved!
4) Ok Old Navy commercials bug me too- You win. lol
5) I LOVE video games!! OMG I can play Guitar Hero all day long! I swear if you came over, I’d convince you to like it! Without cussing!
6) Uh, you win on the bug thing. I am a squisher from WAY back!
7) REAL WOMEN LOVE FOOTBALL!!
Ok… Hopefully you’re still my friend! Did I mention how pretty you look today??
Corrina :: Hahaha. I don’t hate anyone.
3) I am glad you love dogs….but I have owned…let’s see…four dogs. Only ONE of them could I even tolerate. I am, and always will be, a cat person!
1) Thank you!!
2) I’m used to it. I do live in the real world, after all
4) Glad we agree.
5) GH is the one video game I can tolerate, for the sole reason that I am also a musician in real life. Even so, my attention span is about….30 minutes.
6) Bug Squishers Unite!
7) I do like football. I really like the Seahawks. But, given the choice, I will ALWAYS choose baseball over football.
Alright I GUESS we can still be friends. Teasing!!!! Your compliment about me being pretty totally saved you. OK, kidding about that too.
I don’t hate you and I totally understand that you hate soccer! No. No, I don’t understand at all, not in any way, shape, or form but being the wonderful, sweet, forgiving, and *ahem* semi-divine being that I am, I’m willing to overlook that flaw in your taste.
Really, you don’t like it at all? #&%@! I mean, that’s too bad! jk, jk
Erin :: Would it help if I borrowed from Corrina and told you you look very pretty today???
There’s only one celebrity I could be “friends” with and you know who it is …
Jenny :: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………..Bob Saget??
Maybe a little.
Erin :: You’re very pretty today.
Why, thank you Angi! What a nice thing to say! I can’t say I disagree with you, either!