In chatting with Kevin recently, I was bemoaning the fact that as of late, I have had a very uncreative mind. There are two disadvantages to this. First of all, I end up daydreaming my days away. Secondly, I have no blog posts to show for it. The following conversation was a result of my whining.

Kevin: You need to update your blog.
Me: I knowww…but you wouldn’t believe the writer’s block I’ve had this week!!
Kevin: I have an idea for you.
Me: Fabulous! What is it?
Kevin: You won’t want to do it.
Me: Try me. I’m desperate.
Kevin: Nope. You won’t want to do it.
Me: Oh come on, I bet it’s a great idea.
Kevin: Well, alright. But you have to PROMISE you’re going to do it.
Me: PROMISE?
Kevin: Promise.
Me (a tad suspicious but naive nonetheless): Okay. I promise to write about whatever it is you think I should write about.
Kevin: Go back through the SKOS archives and pick your 10 favorite blog posts of mine, and write about them.
Me: ……I should have known.

But, I promised. I never break a promise. So, here you go, folks. My top ten favorite Special Kind of Stupid posts (in no particular order), and my favorite short excerpts from each one. Hopefully each excerpt will entice you all to travel back to the SKOS archives and leave many many many comments about how funny and witty and smart and awesome Kevin is, and how cruel and boorish he is not. (My check’s in the mail, right Kev? Right?)

1. Please Stop Asking Me to Teach Your Kids Proper Etiquette

“The next time your two children are running up and down the aisles of a grocery store, you be the one to stand in their path, look down at them and say, “if you do not stop this behavior, I am going to kill Santa Claus.””

“Don’t wait for me to throw an orange at the head of your teenage son when he doesn’t hold the door open for an elderly lady walking behind him.”

2. Too Stupid for a Life of Crime

“Now, I am painfully aware that approximately 94% of my readers are criminals. It goes with the territory. After all, criminals love me.”

“…what are you stealing? Is it a cookie out of your mommy’s cookie jar? Is it gold from Fort Knox? You have got to be specific here, friend, because what you steal has a direct correlation with how long you will have to go to jail for stealing it.”

3. Report: Americans Express Financial Concern While Shopping for Junk

“One individual we studied went on a three-minute rant about rising gas prices while she was standing in line to buy the complete series of Full House on DVD.”

“In the report, which cost $892,000 to complete and was charged to the institutes’s credit card, Dugan and his colleagues studied consumers as they shopped for numerous questionable items.”

4. This Is Me Being Controversial

“Color me confused, but if Extra Virgin Olive Oil is as advertised how is there seemingly a never ending supply of the stuff? Granted, I’m no expert on the reproductive habits of olives, but something just doesn’t add up.”

“My cat might leave me to die if my home is ever on fire, but at least he has the intelligence to remember me after I’m gone.”

5. Team Names in Sports are Offensive…and Hilarious

“Boston Red Sox…could offend someone who isn’t a member of the Crips.”

“Cleveland Browns…could offend anyone shot by a UPS employee.”

“I once thought about becoming Amish, but when I found out they wouldn’t let me bring my Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs I nixed the idea.”

7. How Frugality Turned Me Into A Coffee Addict

“When the large paper cups in the kitchen didn’t cut it for me anymore, I borrowed one of my dad’s large coffee mugs. He doesn’t drink coffee, but over the years he had been given numerous mugs as gifts. I took one of his “#1 Dad” mugs (he had three of them) because it was the largest.”

“Sometimes, late at night, when I am lying in bed wide awake and shaking, I pray to God that He will help me break my coffee addiction.”

8. What Do Aliens Feed On?

“Dear Mulder, thank you for visiting my site!”

“What do aliens feed on? First, let me say that this is an excellent question and not the least bit psychotic. Aliens, like us humans, are fans of Chinese food.”

9. Show Me Jerry Maguire 2! (by Cuba Gooding Jr.)

“A decade later, my career is in shambles. Only one thought keeps getting me up in the morning. One thought that keeps me from throwing in the towel. One thought that gives me hope. One thought, three little words: Jerry. Maguire. Sequel.”

“Don’t make me have to take that role offered in the Old Navy commercial with that A.C. Slater guy from Saved by the Bell.”

10. Delusional Kids Still Believe in Braves, Tooth Fairy

“That is an outright lie and you know it,” Mrs. Timberland reportedly remarked. “How dare you pollute my classroom with your deceitful tongues,”

“You can’t coddle these kids,” remarked Mrs. Timberland when asked for comment at her home. “When they say something ignorant, I call them on it. That’s how I am. That’s how I roll.”

There you go, Kevin and people of the blogging world. Ten of my all-time favorite posts from Special Kind of Stupid. It may be important to note that, while #10 was dated Feb. 25, 2007, Kevin’s hilarity goes clear back to July 16, 2006.

Go. Read. Laugh. Laugh so hard you cry. Cry so hard you laugh. Just go.

Now, Kevin, about that check……?

Filed under: Life, Songs, Sports, Uncategorized by Angi